Note: This article was originally published in March 2019 with a focus on young people navigating the process of coming out to their parents or caregivers. It has since been updated and expanded to speak to the experiences of people of all ages.
Finding the words to come out can be hard—especially with people who have known you for a long time. Whether it’s a parent, a partner, a close friend, or a colleague, it takes courage to share something deeply personal about who you are.
It’s okay if you’re unsure how to start. This guide offers suggestions, examples, and resources to help you find your footing, reflect on your safety, and express yourself authentically.
Before coming out, it’s important to think about your emotional and physical safety, and to take your time.
If you believe someone may react negatively or in a way that could threaten your safety, housing, or employment, it’s completely okay to choose not to come out at all, or to wait until you are in a more stable or independent situation. You deserve to live authentically and safely.
You may also want to read 5 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Coming Out to help you reflect on your readiness, safety, and support system before opening up about your identity.
These examples are just a guide. Take what’s helpful, leave what’s not, and rewrite them in whatever way feels most authentic to you and the person you're opening up to.
For many people, family relationships hold deep emotions, memories, and expectations, which can make these conversations both meaningful and challenging. It’s okay to feel nervous, hopeful, or unsure all at once. And remember: if you don’t feel safe or ready, you don’t have to share yet.
Dear [Name],
This letter is a bit difficult for me to write, but I feel that it is important for me to write it. There is something I have been carrying inside of myself for some time now, and I now feel ready to come to you with it.
I am transgender. Specifically, I identify as [insert gender identity here], which means that I [insert either the proper definition of your gender, or the most easily understood explanation for your gender identity that you feel they will understand].
I know this may be a bit difficult to understand at first, and it may be very new to you, but it is something I have known for some time. I trust you with this information about who I am, and I would like if in return that you start calling me by my chosen name, which is [if applicable, here], and using my pronouns, which are [here].
I plan to [insert aspects of transition you plan to pursue here, such as changes to your clothing, hair, or gender expression. ] This is to help me feel more at home in my body as well as the world, and it’s a feeling I hope that you can understand.
I’m still your child, with the same likes and dislikes. I’ll just be living more authentically as the true me. And I know that you may have some slip-ups calling me [Name] or using [pronouns] at first, and that is okay. I would just like to know that you are trying your best to learn, understand, and support me. If you do slip-up, you do not have to make a big deal out of it. Correcting yourself is enough for me to see that you care about and respect who I am.
If you have questions, I want to talk about them and help answer them. I also understand you may want to speak with other parents of trans children to learn more. There are plenty of resources for parents and families in person and online, and I am happy to show you some of them.
Thank you for your understanding and your support,
[Your name]
Share at your own pace, and remember that setting boundaries is healthy. For example, you can decide when (or whether) to discuss medical transition or other personal details.
Hey [Name],
There’s something personal I want to share with you because our relationship means a lot to me.
I’m transgender/non-binary. This means I identify as [insert identity] and use [pronouns]. You’ve known me as [old name, if applicable], but I’d like you to start calling me [new name].
I know this might take a little getting used to, but I really appreciate your effort and care. You’ve always been someone I can count on, and I’m grateful to have you in my life as I live more fully as myself.
If you want to learn more or have questions, I’m open to talking — or I can share some helpful resources.
Thanks for being in my corner,
[Your Name]
Coming out at work can involve additional layers from company policies to workplace culture. You might begin by talking with a supportive colleague or HR representative. Reviewing your organization’s nondiscrimination or DEI policies can help you understand your rights and options.
Hi [Name],
I wanted to share something important with you as I take steps to live more authentically.
I’m transgender/non-binary, and I use [pronouns]. I’d appreciate your help in using my correct name and pronouns going forward. I’m sharing this because I value our working relationship and want to be transparent about who I am.
If you have any questions about logistics, like updating records or communicating with our team, HR can help guide the process. I’m happy to talk if that would be helpful, but I also understand if you prefer to take space and learn more on your own.
Thank you for your professionalism and support,
[Your Name]