What Is a Chosen Family? How Trans and Queer People Build Belonging

What is a chosen family?

A chosen family is exactly what it sounds like: the people you intentionally choose to love, support, and show up for, regardless of biology or legal paperwork. These are the friends, mentors, partners, and community members who feel like home.

For some people, chosen family is a handful of close friends who text every day. For others, it might be a mix of people they’ve met through activism, online spaces, recovery programs, or shared experiences.

Chosen family doesn’t have to replace your biological or legal family if those relationships are healthy and supportive. Many of us think of our chosen family as an expansion of what “family” can mean, based on shared values, respect, and unconditional love. These are the people we want to be in our lives based on choice, rather than obligation.

In short: it’s the people who see you, affirm your identity, and stand by you no matter what.

Are chosen families just for LGBTQ+ people?

Not at all! Anyone can have a chosen family. People form deep, intentional bonds outside of blood or marriage for all kinds of reasons. You can think of it as shared values, instead of shared DNA. 

Why is chosen family especially important in the trans community?

While anyone can have a chosen family, the concept has deep roots with queer people.

The idea has existed informally for LGBTQ+ people for a very long time, all around the world: really, as long as we've needed one another to survive and thrive! In the 1980s and 90s in America, especially during the AIDS crisis, chosen family became even more visible. When so many queer and trans people were rejected by our relatives or denied healthcare by our providers, it was our friends and community members who stepped up. We became support systems to one another, providing housing, meals, hospital visits, a shoulder to lean on, and much more.

And today, for trans folks—especially those of us that aren't out because it's not safe or possible to be—chosen family offers us the opportunity to experience love, joy, safety, and belonging.

What does chosen family look like?

There’s no single way a chosen family looks—it’s as unique as you and the people you bring into it!

Chosen family can look like a group chat that never stops buzzing, a drag house that doubles as home, or a network of trans folks who take turns supporting one another through recovery or big life changes.

How can chosen family promote our support transition, care, and survival?

Chosen family is something we build together. Here are some ways to think about leaning on (and showing up for) the people in your life.

• Ask for help, and accept it when offered. Whether it’s a ride to a doctor's appointment, someone to sit with during a tough moment, or a person to—your needs are valid. Let people who care about you support you. They want to!
• Be someone others can rely on, too. Care doesn’t always look like grand gestures. Sometimes it’s as simple as checking in.
• Celebrate each other’s milestones. Share joy loudly! You can commemorate anything you want: there are no rules. Name changes, hormone updates, new jobs, surgeries, small victories... chosen family thrives when we celebrate together.
• Create rituals or traditions that affirm you. This might look like celebrating birthdays, holidays, or anniversaries together every year. For everyday ways, it can look like regular dinner meet-ups, group chats, or sending photos or voice notes.
• Practice care for yourself, too. Your rest matters and helps you show up for the people you love. Take time for yourself.

How can I build my own chosen family?

You might already have one! :)

Start by noticing who shows up for you, and who you show up for in return. Ask yourself what you need as well as what you can offer to others. Maybe that's emotional support, a sense of belonging, or help with day-to-day tasks. Then, show up consistently. Send that text message saying hey. Make that phone call to check-in. Chosen family grows from small, consistent acts of care.

And if you don’t feel like you have that kind of affirming support in your life right now, you’re not alone. Many of us have had to start out by finding other queer people, often online or through a local LGBTQ+ center. (We recommend CenterLink’s LGBTQ+ Community Center Directory as a great place to find trans-inclusive programming near you!)

How can we sustain chosen family for the long-term?

Chosen family takes intention and care to keep strong, especially as people’s lives, needs, and capacities change. Here are some ways to nurture those relationships:

• Encourage rest and boundaries as acts of love. Remind each other it’s okay to take space, say no, or prioritize self-care. Rest doesn’t weaken chosen family—it helps it last.
• Check in regularly, even when nothing’s wrong. A quick “thinking of you” text, meme, or coffee date can go a long way in maintaining connection.
• Share care responsibilities. If someone’s struggling, coordinate support together—meals, rides, errands—so no one person carries the full load.
• Practice gratitude. Expressing appreciation—through words, small gestures, or affirmations—reminds everyone how meaningful their presence is.

And if you’re looking for a simple, heartfelt way to spread love beyond your immediate circle: write a letter to a trans person who needs support.

This meaningful action—especially during the holiday season, alongside people you care about—helps others to feel seen, supported, and part of a larger chosen family that spans the world.